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On Jealousy.

  I wrote on jealousy on my last blog but it was during a jealous rage so I thought I would write on it while I was calm. I've never had much. Honestly I'm pretty poor compared to a lot of people around me including my close friends and family. It causes a bit of a disconnect when I'm trying to tell some people about my problems. I only have two friends that can actually understand me on some level. Because I don't have much there are a lot of things that I want but simply can not have. The nicest thing I own is an iPod touch that is out of date and currently broken. I never get jealous at a person because its not their fault but I am jealous of their opportunity and I often wrestle with thoughts like "Why wasn't I born into money?" or ever "Why wasn't I born with abilities or good looks?"  

  

  My jealousy has two parts: 

1.     The first part is how I get really obsessive about something I want. I'll think about it all day long and it will just consume all of my thoughts.  Its quite annoying. I can't take my mind off of it as hard as I try.
2.    I get fits of jealous rage. I don't express it to the world but I'm still extremely upset. I see red and I just want to scream profanity so loud that I lose my voice. I hate those moments because they just have to run their course before I can calm down. 

I just wanted to write on this again. If you want me to write on something just leave me a comment and I will catch you guys later.

ily :)

-Rickki 

Prompt: Do you ever think about growing old?

I haven't blogged because I haven't had any ideas on what to write about. Sooo...I decided to use a prompt. I actually think about growing old a lot more  than someone my age. I have a fear of growing old and dying. I don't know why but since I started high school and began thinking about my future I end up thinking about being really old and I get scared. I don't know why I get so scared I'm only 17. I looked it up and Gerascophobia is an abnormal or persistent fear of growing old or ageing(gotta love Wikipedia). Don't get me wrong I love the elderly. I'm afraid of dying in general and that makes it worse. 

Sorry, this has been a silly little post. Maybe tomorrow I'll write more about what I want in my future. If that sounds like a good idea just drop me a comment. 

ily :)

-Rickki

My college problem.

The Backstory: So I'm gonna be a senior in the fall and senior year heavily revolves around college. It a new standard that is pushed on young people today that you must go to college. I actually have a family that could care less if I go to college but I still want to to go because I know my crappy public school education isn't enough to prepare me for the type of job that going to pay me the money I want to be making. I've always been lower class and I hate it. I know I have sooo much more than those in third world countries but compared to even non-immediate  family members I don't have a lot. I've always dreamed of having a life where I can buy some of the things that I want.

The Problem: These last 2 years I've been living with my mom again and my grades haven't been so great. When I was living with other family freshman year I got decent grades. California has strict admission requirements and I have plans to make up all but one of my Ds. I was supposed to make it up this summer but I guess I turned in my application for summer school too late and I didn't get in. That one D is completely disqualifies me for all public schools in the state. My other big reason or college is the ability to move away. That is why I don't want to go to the CC in my area. 

The kind of solution:The only thing that's keeping me from having a complete break down is that a few California CCs have dorms or at the very least resources to help students find roommates and a place to live. This means I can still move out like I want and the tuition is cheaper at a CC anyway. I know its small but It keeps me sane.

ily :)

-Rickki

PS:If you want me to write about something leave me a comment. I'd be happy to give my opinion on things. :)

Hellloo everyone!

My name is Rickki. I'm 17. I just finished my junior year of high school. I started a couple of blogs before but they died out. I want to keep this one going but we'll see. I'll hopefully have lot of senior activities to blog about starting in the fall. 

I don't know why but I think I'll also be blogging about Disney and and other stuff I fangirl over. I hope we can all be really good friends and that you guys will suggest topics for me to blog about. 

ily :)

-Rickki